Imperfection

I posted this on Tumblr the other day after a fight with my mom.

There's a picture that goes with it, Here

"I’m not perfect.
I make mistakes,
But I do my best.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you,
But I’m not sorry for who I am.
I will never be perfect,
But I will always be ME."

© November 2011

Sometimes I feel like everyone around me expects me to be perfect, and that's just not me.

I don't usually right poetry, and when I do it usually ends up being turned into lyrics, I also hate structure, so it's always free verse.

Leaving Option 1

This is option 1/2 of my MC's husband leaving. It's kind of my favorite scene. Ever.

There's probably some typos, I've enacted a "No Backspace" rule, I went through and deleted all the ones I could find (just on here, the word document is still riddled with errors :D).
----------------


“Danny, what is going one here?”


Danny and Anita jump away from each other and look at me with guilty looks on their faces. Anita tries to cover herself with the sheet, but Danny is sitting on it.


This was not what I was expecting when I walked in here. I did not expect to find my husband and my boyfriend having sex with each other in my bed. My bed.


“Oh. Jenna, you’re home early.”


“No. I’m home the same time I always am. You’re home early. And Anita isn’t home at all. She’s in my bed. Naked.” I smile grimly, “You should probably get dressed and leave Anita.”


“But, Jenna we should talk about this.” She tries to pull the sheet over her again, and fails.


“I’d rather not talk to you ever again. And I’m really tired of seeing you naked. So get get dressed. And Leave.”


“Okay. I really hope we can still be friends after this.” She slides of the bed and quickly wiggles into her dress.


“Not likely, whore.”


She gasps and gives me a surprised look. “I’m not a whore!”


“You slept with my husband. Now get out of my house.”


“Jenna, I’m so-“


“Stop. Get dressed. I’ll be in the living room trying to get that image out of my head.”


I turn away from him and walk out my bedroom door. When I reach the living room I sink into the recliner and let my head fall into my hands. A single tear escapes my eye. I quickly wipe it away and straighten myself up. What happened to trust?


Danny walks into the room with his head hanging low. “Jenna, I’m so sorry. It just happened.”


“I trusted you. When you told me that nothing was going on, I believed you. I can’t believe that I introduced you to the women you cheated on me with. My best friend. You didn’t even have the decency to cheat with a stranger.”


“Look, you haven’t really been in the mood lately, and I have needs.”




“I’m pregnant!”


“I’m not!.”


“You’re an idiot. It’s your kid!”


“So? Why should both of us have to go without sex?”


“Because we’re married!”


“So?


“I can’t believe I married you.”


“I can. I’m a pretty big catch.”


“Damn it, Danny!” I throw my hands in the air, “What happened to the man I though I was marrying?”


“Maybe he never existed.”


“God, I can’t believe my parents were right, you are a good for nothing ass.”


“You’re a worthless bitch.”


I whirl around and glare at him, “I want you out. Gone. You will have no contact with me, or my child ever again.”


“Good. I never wanted children anyway. They’re all just a bunch of sticky, whiney, brats.”


“You liar. You’re an ass.”


“And you are a frigid bitch. No wonder I was the only one willing to date you in high school.”


“Yeah, I’m a frigid bitch, that’s how I got pregnant, right?”


“It’s probably not even my kid.”


“Oh, so I’ve gone from a frigid bitch to a slut? I’m not the cheating bastard in this situation, Danny.” I rub my eyes and sigh, “God, you have problems. Cheating on your pregnant wife.”


“I’m leaving.”


“Good, that’s what I wanted in the first place.”


He grabs his jacket of the couch and stomps to the door before throwing it open, stomping through it and heading towards his motorcycle. I stalk over to the door and slam it closed as Danny revs the engine.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I hope he dies. I hope he crashes and dies. He doesn’t deserve to live. Not if he’s just going to abandon his child like that. I can’t believe he didn’t fight me on that. He loves children, he’s always told me that he wants to have a ton of kids.
I guess the rumors are true, Hollywood changes people, even if they aren’t part of the Hollywood scene.
I can’t believe he cheated on me. That bastard. Me being pregnant is not an excuse to cheat on me. There is no excuse for cheating. Ever.
Now I’m going to be alone… completely alone. How am I ever going to be able to raise a child by myself? I’ve never even babysat anyone. Oh god, I’m going to have to go home and get help from my parents. I’m going to have to grovel and plead.
I sink to the floor and dissolve into tears. I spend ten minutes sobbing before I pick myself off the floor and make my way towards the bedroom. I strip all the bedding off the bed and drag it to the laundry room. I stuff it all into the washer and turn it on, then I pour the entire container of laundry soup in. I’m not sure why I’m even trying to save this stuff, I’ll never be able to sleep on this stuff ever again.


God, what am I gonna do.?


*


        Backstage at photoshoots are always extremely loud (at least in my experience), but today, everything just seems so much more loud. And, sleazy. Why did I ever want to do this for a living?
There are half-naked girls everywhere I look. Anita is in the back corner, her dressing area is right next to mine, which is the only one not a complete mess, since I’m late.


“Jenna, where of have you been? We’ve been looking everywhere for you.”


“Sorry, Karla. Um, I’ve got to go talk to john okay?”


“Yeah, of s course. We’ll talk later, right?”


“Sure.” I smile at her and make my way to the office door at the end of the room, there’s a  gold name plate engraved with the name “John Walker” in the center of it. He’s probably the sleaziest of all the  sleazy  guys in Hollywood. I knock loudly firmly on the door and wait.


“Come in. And this better be about why my coffee isn’t here yet.”


I turn the knob and step in, quickly closing the door behind me.


“Afraid not, John.”


He gives me a look of disdain, “What do you need, Jenna?”


“I’m quitting.”


“Excuse me?”


“Well, I’d have to quit anyway in a couple months. I’m pregnant, so I figured why not find a job that I can support myself and the baby with now, instead of later. Oh, and Anita slept with my husband.”


He gives me his ‘I‘m going to get what I want’ smile, and folds his hands. “Look, I don’t think a little girl drama is any reason to give up your dream. You’re a wonderful model, you could make a carreer career out of this, even after the baby.”


“This isn’t my dream anymore. I want to be a good mother, the best, because that’s what my baby deserves. The best.”


“Jenna-”


“No, I’m going to clean out my stuff and I’m leaving.”


I turn away and leave the room. He calls after me, but I let the door slam behind me. By the time I get to my former dressing area the only person in the room is Anita. She’s leaning against my make up table staring at me as I walk up.


“Go away.”


“We need to talk.”


“No, we don’t.”


“Jenna-”


I don’t know what some  comes over me, but my arm lashes out and suddenly I’m back handing her across the face.


“You were supposed to me my best friend. You betrayed my trust, you don’t get to explain.”


I sweep all of my  stuff minto into a duffle bag and pull it onto my shoulder. I leave Anita holding her  cheek, and staring after me as I leave the room.


I’m sooo done with this town. But I can’t go home yet, time to find a new job, and new friends.”


As I’m leaving the building I hear Karla yelling after me, “Jenna! Where are you going? We have a shoot to do.”


“I quit Karla.”


“Why?”


“Anita slept with Danny, I really just can’t be in this situation right now.”


“I’m so sorry.”


“Look, I’ve got to go, but, maybe we can have  lunch sometiem sometime. Calle call me, okay?”


“Yeah, of  course. I’ll check the shoot schedule and see when I’m free. Good luck, you’re gonna go far, Jenna.”


“Thank you, Karla, that means a lot.”


I turn away from her and walk quickly to my car, which unfortunately is parked at the back end of a very large and  crowded parking lot. I pop the  trunk, and throw my duffle bag full of stull stuff into it. I slam the trunk closed.


© November 2011

Excerpt from my NaNo Novel

This is the first scene from my 2011 NaNo Novel:

The sun is streaming through the window above the sink in the kitchen. A few inches to the left my daughter is kneading dough into donuts. The thoughtful look on her face makes me curious, but I wont ask her, she will tell me when she is ready.
We are making donuts for the church bake sale this Saturday.

“Mama?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course.”

She nods her head, but continues to knead the dough, maybe a bit rougher now.

“Anything specific?”

“Okay.” She breathes in deeply and exhales slowly. “I can do this.”

More to herself than to me.

“Danny asked me to marry him.”

“Oh?”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“Well, all he did was ask a question, it is not like you-”

“I said yes.”

“Well, that is a whole different story all together. Your father is not going to like this, Jenna. He does not like that boy.”

She stops shaping the dough and turns to me, “Daddy is not going to like any boy I choose, but I do not care, mama. I love him. I love him with all my heart and soul and there’s nothing you or Daddy or anyone else can do about it.”

“You’re only seventeen-”

“I will be eighteen in a couple months.”

I sigh. “That’s still so young.”

“You were only sixteen when you and Daddy decided to get married.”

“Yes, but I was pregnant with your brother at the ti- oh my lord, you are not pregnant are you?”

“No, mama.”

“Thank the lord.” I wipe the flour off my hands with a kitchen towel. “Anyway, your father wont allow you to marry that boy. You’re too young and he’s good for nothing.”

“That is not true! I’m not too young and he’s got a real talent for fixin cars. We’re going to move to California and he’s gonna open a shop and I’m gonna be a model.”

“Such big dreams for such a little girl.” I set the towel on the counter. “I wish you would not be in such a hurry to grow up. You’ve got your whole life in front of you. And if that boy really loves you, he will still be there after you finish college.”

The look Jenna gives me is full of wistfulness and panic, “Why take the chance?” She looks out the window at the mid afternoon sun. “College was always your dream for me, mama, maybe it is not right for me.”

“I just do not want you to end up unhappy and unable to get out. California is so far away, you wouldn’t have any family or friends out there, what would you do if you needed help?”

“I wont be unhappy mom, and I’ll make friends, I’ll have help.”

I sigh deeply, “I don’t like this, but I’ll talk to your father about it.”

She throws her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly, “Thank you, mama.”

“Lord help me.”

“I love him, mama.”

“That’s what scares me, baby girl.”

“I wont regret this.”

“I sure hope not.”

She practically skips out of the room, a joyous smile on her face.
She’s so young and full of like, how can she want to tie herself down to a boy, when she’s only seventeen. She hasn’t even had a chance to really live life.

“This is going to give her father a heart attack.”

© November 2011

Welcome!!

Hey!

This is Rachel fromWe Throw Rocks At Cars. I decided I need a place to post just my writing, because a few people have been asking to read some of it.

ALL of the work posted will have been written by me unless otherwise stated. ALL work posted here is owned by me and if any piece is found outside of here without my written permission, legal action will be taken.

Please enjoy.

Legalities and love,
Rachel